Monday, March 20, 2006

Alternative Food Fiesta


The Alternative Food Fiesta (sponsored by Fiesta Magazine - tit-based titillation at its tip-top titty-tastic best) was an amazing success in 2005. We even made the front cover of the magazine itself. What makes the Alternative Food Fiesta (sponsored by Fiesta Magazine - tit-based titillation at its tip-top titty-tastic best) so special? Well, all the food is served on the models' breasts. Who needs a tray when you can lick local foods from Traci Lords?

Last years fiesta (sponsored by Fiesta Magazine - tit-based titillation etc.) featured the following foods:

- Locally-produced liver paté (served on Pam's ample double-Ds)

- Swaffham lavender sugar (served in lumps from proprietor Peggy's dampened cleavage)

- Wample Farms Pork Cheese (smeared with a palette knife into local pensioner Mary Hallam's crusty baps)

- Local Norfolk cider (Vacuum-pumped into Bessie's massive milkers for patrons to suckle)

- Local honey (Drizzled over Pam Warnick's C-cups, using a clever push-up bra system to avoid leakage)

- Hot local crumpets (Master baker Janine Pugh was looking a little red after wedging one hot crumpet too many in her uplift balcony!)

- Spinnard's Sloe Sausages (Clever Maggie Spinnard produced an entire bra from sausages and, in a clever twist of wordplay, warmed her brassiere over a hot brazier to the amazement and enjoyment of all assembled.)

- Local paprika mustard (adorning the areolae of Mr Harold Cuthbert's rather hairy man-boobs

...and many more!

Our thanks go out to Fiesta Magazine for sponsoring our food fiesta (sponsored etc...).

Monday, February 06, 2006

Junior Town Cryer Competition


Here we see Bryony Miller from Bexhill-upon-Sea, who produced nearly 325ml of tears in five minutes after being forced to wear a prickly jumper whilst repeatedly being told that Father Christmas didn't exist and her real dad was a school dinner lady from Cheshire called Margaret.

We don't normally condone encouragements of this kind, but Bryony put on a real show and, quite simply, stole the hearts of the judges! We hope Bryony's new foster parents will buy her something lovely with her cash prize of £5.00 to help her cope with being put into care.

Friday, February 03, 2006

1973 Carnival Queen Inauguration Update

Many thanks to long time Alternative Carnival supporter Mr Bernard Cringely, who has sought out this amazing photograph of the 1973 Carnival Queen Inauguration from an old Amiga disk.

He writes: "It was with intense pleasure that I came over your description of the joyous carnivals of the glory days of the Empire. It was my grand-daughter, Muriel-May Cringely who was chosen to make the ultimate sacrifice, and thanks to her my son was rendered fertile enough to produce two healthy young boys to replace her. It was a pleasure to recall her memory. Thank you for bringing a tiny thrill back into an old man's life!"

No... thank you, Mr Cringely!

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Inauguration Of The Carnival Queen

Although the UK's joining of the EEC in 1973 put an end to the traditional inauguration ceremony for the Carnival Queen, we do hope that one day our bureaucratic brethren across the channel will see the importance of human sacrifice.

In fact, if we may get political for a moment, the banning of such an
important local festival is simply political correctness gone mad! What right-minded individual could possibly be against the light toasting of a local virgin?

This vintage photograph is from the final inauguration from 1973, just prior to the EEC regulations regarding UK Working Environment Temperature Limits. The fire was lit promptly at 8:30 by then-popular comedian Jimmy Tarbuck, quickly smudging the low clouds with a gentle, flickering glow. Miriam Pugh, correspondent with the Dereham and Fakenham at that time wrote in her Village Notes column that 'a good time was had by all.'

We can only agree, and look back wistfully on a more tolerant time.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Gran Agility

This rather old photograph from 1986 shows the glory days of the Gran Agility competitions, when grannies from all over the county would flock to Wells to compete for Werther's Originals.

Crowds of children and grandchildren would crowd round the Buttlands, screaming incoherently for their own elderly representative, and the merry sound of creaking hips and spittle-flecked jowls slapping filled the air, punctuated only by the occasional snap of an over-strained ankle.

Sadly, insurance requirements no longer allow us to hold this event, but we'll always treasure the final hours of the 1987 competition when the Queen Mother actually jogged down from Sandringham to display her sexy disco hip swinging action on the see-saw.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Bike Hide

One of the more enjoyable parts of the Carnival, other than that feeling of having experienced good living on the following Sunday (which can be dispelled quickly with a couple of Junior Disprin and a half-litre of vodka), is the Bike Ride.

Not to be outdone, we at the Alternative Carnival offer our annual Bike Hide. Yes, it's arrogant, but the object of the exercise is to 'hide' a bike in plain view of the whole of Wells and not have it noticed for a period of at least a week. I've Spotted A Bike! entry forms are available to help us whittle out the losers, so anyone can join in the fun, even if they've no bike or a sad lack of imagination.

2005's winner was an out-of-towner, Mike Frobisham, who winched this Raleigh Chopper onto St. Nicholas Church's west transept where it remains un-noticed to this day!


An amusing entry from 2003 resulted when an educationally subnormal resident mis-interpreted the event and replaced the Bolt's Close sign outside the Post Office with a large freshwater fish.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Antiques Rude Show

You'd be surprised how many of Wells' carnival queens have gone on to become fully fledged pole dancers and even prostitutes! Well here's a chance to catch them again before their beauty fades completely.

That's right, a full nude revue featuring carnival queens from yesteryear - truly an antiques rude show. As an extra treat, Hugh Scully, star of BBC's Antiques Road Show, will attempt to value the cost of hand relief from each of the wrinky prostitutes, in pounds, shillings and pence!
Don't miss it!

Our photo here shows Doris Middleday, Carnival Queen of 1903, returning to the 2003 Antiques Rude Show, where Hugh correctly priced her handjob rate as one and sixpence.

Chlamydia Catching On The Quay


Bored of catching gillies? Not even sure what a gilly is?

Well, gillies are little crabs. They march inshore with the tide and back out again when the tide's receding. It's a favoured pastime to sit on the quay wall, dangling little bits of munchy stuff over the side and dragging the gillies back up to be kept in a bucket of seawater until everyone's bored of watching the big ones try to eat the little ones. It's a big crowd-puller, believe us!

And yes, that's right: Every year, at Wells Carnival, everyone catches crabs.

Spurred on by this revelation, last year we proudly held the first ever Chlamydia Catching competition on the quay. The event was, of course, adults only, and to avoid putting people in French's off their battered sausage we hired this handy marquee from Handy Marquees Ltd in which we hosted the entire event. Perhaps you saw us? If not, don't miss next year's, sponsored by Pfizer who kindly provide free antibiotics for all the winners!

Welcome to the Wells Alternative Carnival


Hey there, carnival-goer, wherever and whomever you might be! And especially big 'hey there!'s if you're a regular visitor to Wells Carnival, an annual festival of gargantuan proportions which takes place in the picturesque town of Wells-next-the-Sea in the first week of August.

Wells Carnival is great, but unknown to the majority of the public there's an entire alternative carnival going on at the same time. Kept as quiet as the Wells' wife-swapping club, the alternative carnival is a well-kept secret that we feel is ripe to be dragged from the closet and paraded in all its seedy glory. By mentioning closets, however, we must stress that we don't mean to conjure up images of hairy men in dresses and hot girl-on-girl tranny-tastic action. We're just ordinary folks looking for a little more variety to our events. (Though, come to think of it, a bit of girl-on-girl live nude mustache-related jiggling might just be a crowd-puller...)

Tune in over the next few days to be introduced to our range entirely new, never-before-seen ideas for a cracking alternative carnival, as well as a wistful wander down memory lane...