Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Bike Hide

One of the more enjoyable parts of the Carnival, other than that feeling of having experienced good living on the following Sunday (which can be dispelled quickly with a couple of Junior Disprin and a half-litre of vodka), is the Bike Ride.

Not to be outdone, we at the Alternative Carnival offer our annual Bike Hide. Yes, it's arrogant, but the object of the exercise is to 'hide' a bike in plain view of the whole of Wells and not have it noticed for a period of at least a week. I've Spotted A Bike! entry forms are available to help us whittle out the losers, so anyone can join in the fun, even if they've no bike or a sad lack of imagination.

2005's winner was an out-of-towner, Mike Frobisham, who winched this Raleigh Chopper onto St. Nicholas Church's west transept where it remains un-noticed to this day!


An amusing entry from 2003 resulted when an educationally subnormal resident mis-interpreted the event and replaced the Bolt's Close sign outside the Post Office with a large freshwater fish.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Antiques Rude Show

You'd be surprised how many of Wells' carnival queens have gone on to become fully fledged pole dancers and even prostitutes! Well here's a chance to catch them again before their beauty fades completely.

That's right, a full nude revue featuring carnival queens from yesteryear - truly an antiques rude show. As an extra treat, Hugh Scully, star of BBC's Antiques Road Show, will attempt to value the cost of hand relief from each of the wrinky prostitutes, in pounds, shillings and pence!
Don't miss it!

Our photo here shows Doris Middleday, Carnival Queen of 1903, returning to the 2003 Antiques Rude Show, where Hugh correctly priced her handjob rate as one and sixpence.

Chlamydia Catching On The Quay


Bored of catching gillies? Not even sure what a gilly is?

Well, gillies are little crabs. They march inshore with the tide and back out again when the tide's receding. It's a favoured pastime to sit on the quay wall, dangling little bits of munchy stuff over the side and dragging the gillies back up to be kept in a bucket of seawater until everyone's bored of watching the big ones try to eat the little ones. It's a big crowd-puller, believe us!

And yes, that's right: Every year, at Wells Carnival, everyone catches crabs.

Spurred on by this revelation, last year we proudly held the first ever Chlamydia Catching competition on the quay. The event was, of course, adults only, and to avoid putting people in French's off their battered sausage we hired this handy marquee from Handy Marquees Ltd in which we hosted the entire event. Perhaps you saw us? If not, don't miss next year's, sponsored by Pfizer who kindly provide free antibiotics for all the winners!

Welcome to the Wells Alternative Carnival


Hey there, carnival-goer, wherever and whomever you might be! And especially big 'hey there!'s if you're a regular visitor to Wells Carnival, an annual festival of gargantuan proportions which takes place in the picturesque town of Wells-next-the-Sea in the first week of August.

Wells Carnival is great, but unknown to the majority of the public there's an entire alternative carnival going on at the same time. Kept as quiet as the Wells' wife-swapping club, the alternative carnival is a well-kept secret that we feel is ripe to be dragged from the closet and paraded in all its seedy glory. By mentioning closets, however, we must stress that we don't mean to conjure up images of hairy men in dresses and hot girl-on-girl tranny-tastic action. We're just ordinary folks looking for a little more variety to our events. (Though, come to think of it, a bit of girl-on-girl live nude mustache-related jiggling might just be a crowd-puller...)

Tune in over the next few days to be introduced to our range entirely new, never-before-seen ideas for a cracking alternative carnival, as well as a wistful wander down memory lane...